bother

Walking back at ‘round midnight (with due respect to Dexter Gordon), I realize that I never really did pay attention to the route I took when walking back from my pub of choice since before hitting legal age till date and home.

I don’t have much of a constitution, and whatever that I have is over and above my bladder capacity at any rate. As I stand up and walk out, I think to myself whether I should take a leak. Nah, I think to myself. I’ll last. The seed of a bad idea.

We stand outside, making chit-chat. Hugs ensue. I walk a woman back home – it is late, after all, and it’s not too much off my path. But it is off my path. I contemplate asking her whether I can stop at her place. But I don’t. Germination ensues.

I’ve walked this path a lot. I mean, not to exaggerate, but perhaps close to a hundred times. All at similar times of the night, though with varying levels of sobriety. It’s a wonder I’ve never been stopped by the cops, or been mugged, or had any incident at all.

This time though, like other times, as I’m walking back, I don’t really feel the distance. However, having walked someone else back, I had taken a deviation. Now I’m on the road, trying to figure out which way to go, even as it dawns that I have the capacity of a thimble, if one with a delayed release mechanism.

So, now, I’m walking by, wondering which way to go, in the knowledge that I’m in roughly the right direction, to emerge somewhere eventually, with a rapidly filling bladder. The question is, do I let myself go now, or endure.

Public urination.

Now, are there set conventions? I wondered, even as I tried to motor towards home base.

Do not urinate in public is the overarching one – flouted constantly.

When it’s twelve at night, what are the conventions?

For one thing, I thought that taking deep breaths of the night air would be a pointer – if I can smell the pee, it’d be safe to go there. Boldly go where many have gone before. But no luck, and no pee.

Pee where nobody is around the immediate vicinity would be one. It’s just not on to take a leak on someone sleeping on the pavement, or in his/her personal space.

But any people at all? Now, people squatting around at a distance where they can perceive what is happening is probably a no-no, but those who’re walking by can just keep walking – live and let live.

Pee on walls. That is to say, don’t pee on shuttered storefronts and the like. Probably more likely to get rapped by security guards in any case. The same goes for apartment buildings. Plus, they’re brightly lit.

Dark zones are required. State property seems to be a magnet – any transformer, fuse box or construction normally reeks of piss.

But is there an exception to the watchmen rule? I was desperate, and still some way off. I had my sneakers on, and broke into a run, but still couldn’t make it.

I stopped, pinching my parts to stop the urge. Looking around for a suitable spot that wasn’t well-lit or a storefront, I saw a house wall. But the problem was, I knew the people living there, and knew they had a watchman.

Too bad.

As I was relieving myself, the diligent watchman wakes up and runs up to me, thankfully mindful of my needs – waiting till I finish – and then starts yelling at me.

What can I say? I’m clearly in the wrong, and without excuse. And I can’t get a word in too, between his abuses and fist-shaking. Finally when he’s done, I look him in the eye and tell him who lives at the residence, and his parents’ and wife’s name to boot. Comprehension dawns, but the disgust remains.

However clearly I’ve gained the upper hand, and I rouse myself to haughtily tell him to merely inform his employers, and to get in touch with me in the morning, if they’re so concerned.

I unhook the phone before I go to bed. It might be a long day tomorrow.

i went there on business

… and our previous product, the Sympathetic Overtaking Handlebar was a big success, so after that, we were looking to diversify into new territories, had a bit of cash in our pockets and… one thing led to another, and here we are.

(smiles)

You mentioned this Sympathetic…

Yes, SOH was introduced in Norway a few years ago and was a big hit in the modification market. Made for scooters mostly, it calibrates the handlebar to a level that causes the shoulders to droop considerably, while still remaining ergonomic, and this makes the rider seem depressed and sympathetic. Tests showed that when a driving who’d been side-swiped, for example, by a scooter, was less prone to rage when he or she saw the rider in such a position, rather than a more erect and confrontational position…

It was quite a success. We were commended by the Ministry of Transport for reducing road-rage by a not inconsiderable margin.

Well, moving on, some critics have said that your company’s service is akin to the Toyota Prius, in that it’s a symbol of being environmentally sound, while…

I know what you mean, seeing as we worked closely with the automotive industry for some years. Volkswagen for example makes diesel-engines that purport to give better mileage than the hybrid cars. It seems it’s important for people to not only be ‘green’, but also seen being ‘green’, which is a reason for the relative failure of hybrid options on production vehicles as opposed to a car that is only hybrid – the Prius effect, you could call it.

But I stress here that our service isn’t so. For one thing, what expansion we seek to achieve in other countries outside of Scandinavia, we’re looking to do with local resources only, and set up a decentralized network, wherein minimum input is required from one branch to the other.

And it’s nice to think of ourselves as a big tree, even if a little ironic.

Lastly, I’d like to mention that other critics, and I think this is a more serious criticism, say you’re simply making a profit out of destruction.

To be honest, I’d have to agree to an extent. It’s something that kept me up a lot when conceptualizing this project, but ultimately I’ve come to terms with it.

Basically, if we weren’t doing this, the world would be a little further down the slope, yeah? It’s making the best of a bad situation, seeing as they aren’t going to stop, and the best we can do is offset. We understand their concerns too, which is why we function for the most part as a non-profit anonymous-donation based, but recently bands have also been discreetly contacting us about the most efficient way to go about the task itself, and not merely looking at offset, which is frankly a welcome change in outlook. And we allow them to be very hands-on in execution, which gives them the satisfaction of the job done as well as the comfort that they’re not hurting this planet.

Bands have a fair degree of awareness and would do the offset themselves, but they’re lacking in the wherewithal, and the PR fallout would be... But they know that it’s something that must be done. Bands… responsible bands who recognize this have been vehement in their support of us.

That’s why we’re looking at expanding, because bands in Britain, Texas, Shillong, wherever, they’re reaching out and evincing interest in this project, which I think is laudable. They recognize that it’s compatible with their… proclivities.

On that hopeful note, I’d like to thank you for sparing your time, and wish your new business endeavour – Carbon Neutral Church Burning, all the success it deserves.

Thank you. Always a pleasure talking to you.

throwaway

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